Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Queer Eye For My Frugal Brother's Eye

My brother is like the "Bizarro World" version of me. He's the opposite in every way: good looking, confident, athletic and financially successful. He's also the most frugal sonofabitch I've ever met.

My brother does not own a car and has not owned one for ten years. He takes public transportation everywhere. Whenever he orders a cola, he asks for no ice. "More per glass value," he says, "plus soda usually comes out cold from the fountain." He buys all his clothes at thrift stores. "I go to the ones in gay communities. The clothes are stylish and better taken care of." That's my cheap-ass, successful brother for you.

He just got a new fancy work-at-home gig for one of the nation's leading IT companies. He's going to be pulling in close to a hundred grand a year. Now if that happened to me, I'd go out and get a new desk, one of those swanky chairs with the ass-conforming micro-technofibers, maybe some of those clickety-clack balls. Not my brother. Here is my brother's set up: his desk is a card table. His chair? A $7 white plastic lawn chair with a pillow for comfort. His frugalness is blinding. I can't look directly at it.

He's had that chair so long that he had it during the brief "phenomenon" that was Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. In one of the episodes Carson had bitch-slapped some "dude" for having a chair similar to my brother's. "This is outdoor furniture!" Carson shrieked. So whenever I visit my brother I pick up that chair and pretend I'm going to throw it out. "This is outdoor furniture!" I yell.

We both laugh until we get thirsty and then we grab some iceless Cokes.


Krystal said...

Your brother sounds exactly like my boyfriend. He's obsessed with getting the best value for his money.

We were watching a recent playoff hockey game where the game went into 4 overtime periods. He couldn't stay awake to watch the end, and as he was drifting off to sleep, he murmered "if we had been at that game, it would have been a good value..."

change is a good thing said...

That is hilarious! Thanks for sharing! I like to get the best value for my money too, but I don't think soda comes cold enough without at least a little ice. Try ordering light ice. sometimes you have to explain it to people. ;)

English Major said...

I can't believe today is the first day I stumbled on your blog, which is hilarious. I'll be following you both from now on.

~Dawn said...

You have a smart brother there. I don't get ice in my cola's either- same reason.