Free Movie=Koo Koo Krazies

The Bizarro household loves us some free cinema. We mine the alternative papers for free screening notices, and belong to a screening organization that is always emailing us about upcoming free screenings.

There's only one problem. Apparently "Free screening" can be interpreted as, "If you are batshit crazy, please attend and make sure your phobias, faked seizures and jibber jabber looney-tuney crazy talk muscles are toned and ready. We look forward to seeing you."

We went to see Knocked Up this evening. As we sat waiting for the film to begin, a local radio station came out and started giving out promotional hats and shirts from their station and the movie. One fellow in a yarmulke stood up and began screaming, and I mean screaming for a free hat. The radio station guy looked at him and said, "This guy is at every screening I go to." He sighed and gave the guy a hat just to shut him up. Next came the tube tops. The radio station guy said, "Whoever wants one, come and get it!" Several girls happily ran down the steps and collected their gaudy neon colored tube tops, and right on their heels was a woman of around 255 pounds, about 65 years old, running to claim up her tube top. There was some gasping and uncomfortable laughter as grandma made her way back to her seat, clutching her prize like it was a newborn.

And here's where I thought, There's actually a group of people who do nothing but come to these screenings. I looked around and began to spot them. People wearing The Truth About Cats and Dogs hats. The Marine t-shirts. Some of them were talking to themselves. Several of them had headphones around their necks. They all carried large canvas bags of some kind, and they all seemed to know each other. And they damn near salivated over the cheap-ass swag. They swarmed the small radio station table and snatched up key chains and bumper stickers, cramming it all into their large bags and looking around like the proverbial cats with mouths stuffed full of canaries. Their eyes gleamed and sparkled.

"Christ," I hissed through my teeth. Bianca grabbed my arm. Soon the lights began to dim, and Mr. Yarmulke and Grandma Tube Top gathered their coats and bags and made for the exit. My God, I thought. There's actually a sub-category of these attendees: those that grab the swag and leave without watching the movie. Amazing. I felt like an anthropologist in Crazy Town.

About halfway through this terrific movie, a woman simply lost it, loudly talking gobbledy-gook to someone next to her, and she had to be forcefully removed from the theater, security dragging her away as she screamed, "But you don't understand, it takes nine months to make a baby!"

Like I said, it was a great movie. If you go free, though, you gotta sit through the crazy. You gotta pay somethin'.